Why do I care?

Why do I care what people think? Why do I care what people say? Why do I care if people are upset with me? Why?

I wish I had the answer to this question. Is it in my DNA? Is it down to how I was bought up? Or is it just plain and simply, ME?

I wish I didn’t care. Well maybe not care, because that would be cruel but maybe not care so much. So much so, that the moment I wake up I feel the pain inside that consumes my thoughts.

I feel things, even if they are not said, I walk into a room and can read it, I feel the vibes. I really wish I didn’t, it is horrible.

I don’t think I’m a bad person and I don’t hurt people intentionally but somehow my actions seem to warrant people to react. I always feel that I am not allowed to have feelings and certainly not to air them. I have to go with the flow and accept whatever.  Is that how it should be? Other people can do the same as me and people accept it, but the moment I say ‘no’ then that’s not acceptable. My husband always says you’re only remembered for your last ‘no’ and I think he’s right.

I rarely say no, I will go with the flow for anything, sometimes it has caused me considerable emotional pain and cost but I still say yes. I find it hard to say no to people, but as I’m getting older I’m finding the only person it hurts to saying ‘yes’ is me. Do I need to change? Or do I need to do what makes me happy? But does saying no make me unhappy as it upsets others?

Seems like a no win situation.

Photo by AZGAN MjESHTRI on Unsplash

5 thoughts on “Why do I care?

  1. Good grief! I could have been reading a piece of my own writing here, as the thoughts you have so eloquently put down have so many parallels with my own, any many others I should imagine. And I find it interesting that I appear to have an answer to your question, but not my own during those times that I’m bothered by the same indecisions. We both need to change. And it’s not change to spite others, but to support ourselves. We simply need to remember that we are not responsible for how others react to the decisions we make, especially when we know that those decisions are not selfishly detrimental to others. It’s just that if we continully acquiesce to others we lose the very strength those people might later call on, and if we are not there to be the help we generally strive to be, well, nobody benefits then.
    You know you are a good person, Tina, so be kind to yourself, too x

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks Shaun, hope you’re ok, think we need a coffee some time soon or an Indian again. I think as writers we feel deeply about things. I feel sometimes that I am two people, the one that wants to please people but also please myself and the moment the later steps forward that’s when the grief starts. So you end up reverting back to the first person just to keep the peace, if that makes sense?

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I understand, but it makes no sense that we repeat these same mistakes. Another dinner party sounds brilliant. Let’s make it happen. I’ve got some wonderful new recipes to try out on you Guinea People 🤣

        Like

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